And even then, i doubt you'll even see this. I hope you do, but i can't bring myself to make that happen. You deserve an explanation, i'm sorry i can't deliver it directly. i'm really sorry for everything.
I'm going to try to be as brutally honest as possible because maybe, in the future, we can become friends again, and you can keep this in mind, I don't know. It's not your job to change for me, so don't feel obligated to take any of this to heart. This will just be a jumble of thoughts, it won't be coherent, I apologize for that, but to tell you the full truth that's how it has to happen.
You make me miserable, it's really hard to write it, because i know it'll hurt to read, but it's just how it is. You make me miserable, because you always are. I want you to be happy, i really do. I know you'll deny it, but you do deserve to be happy. I don't know how to explain it but deserving does not mean you will inherently earn something, it just means you... deserve it, i guess. Everyone who has hurt you doesn't deserve what they have and you deserve better. No matter what we do, i feel as if i can't change how you feel, and you vent to me every day. Every single day, and i've told you how i feel about that, and i think you understand that, but you need someone to talk to regardless. "I'll always be there for you" has it's limits. You also put me through so much, it's so uncomfortable. When I need to vent to my other friends about you, explaining the things you do to me makes me realize how strange some of it is.
Do you understand how weird that is to explain? And it wasn't just that scenario, but i can't be bothered to do deep dives into my dms with people, reading through my old vents, just to find weird things you did i vented about. I'm sorry, if i remembered them I'd tell you, I promise.
I also feel as if my presence alone makes you more miserable, your blogger proved that to me. I know you probably didn't want me to take that away from what you wrote, but i do think that it's true. I'm okay with you having a crush on me, but recently you've been pushing it, a lot. You keep repeating it over and over in my ear, and it gets uncomfortable. I love you, platonically, and I'm sorry if i led you on to believe that would ever change or worsened the feelings by anything that I did (sincerely, don't know what that would be, but if it's true i figured I should say it.) You vent to me about me, I don't know in what other way i can take that than i make you miserable. I make you want to say that you want me to hate you.
Other than myself, i think I encourage your poor behavior, because I feel like i can't disagree with you, or else you'll have a meltdown or become upset with me. I know how badly you don't want to be, but talking to you feels like walking on eggshells. If you do something bad, i could never tell you, whether it be to me or to other people, and therefore that behavior will continue, even though I wouldn't want it to. Generally, I agree with you about things, but when I don't, it's really hard for me. I feel like i have to rewrite and rewrite just to give you advice because I need it to be constructive enough but in a way that won't hurt your feelings or that you'll misinterpret. I can't give you good advice, or what i think to be good advice, because I feel like if i do it'll hurt you or you'll disagree and become angry with me.
You like me because of a lie. I'm not myself when I'm around you. I exhibit behavior with you that i do with none of my friends, because of the eggshells, because of your personality. Like extremely different behavior, i tell you my secrets but I don't tell you about me, if that makes sense, you don't know me. The person you know is a farse created so that I won't hurt you. You... don't deserve that... I don't know, you need to be friends with people who are honest with you about themselves.
I know i've hinted at this before, but I find myself dreading being on call with you. Our calls usually aren't that bad, but when i want to leave, i feel like i can't, because you'll beg and pressure me to stay, and i fall victim to pressure from everyone all the time, I'm a pushover, if someone begs me for something i will give it to them, i've been getting better, but it's still so extremely difficult for me to make a decision for myself, and you tend to beg me a lot. I don't like it. You're not the only person that I find myself uncomfortable on call with, and whether the reason i don't like being on call with you is because of the previous things i listed or how i feel like i can't have a conversation with you because you tend to interrupt and even ignore me. I just feel like you dont care, you don't listen to what I say, sorry to say.
This'll probably be the last paragraph. You've been consistently mentioning how you've been trying to change, and doing so much to change, but I haven't seen any of it at all. Me asking you what you've changed was genuine, because I couldn't tell you what you have. For the last 3-4 years our conversations have consisted of you showing me things, my responses (or vice versa, (though even in dms or gcs you like to ignore messages and talk over them)) and then you vent to me. It just feels like you vent because you've gotten so used to the idea of doing it that you don't bother to change the habit. It feels like you vent just to do it, not to get anything off your chest, or make yourself feel better. Maybe that's only my fault, that i just can't make you happy and any attempts to are futile. I'm sorry for that, you deserve someone who can.
urghghhh i hope this got everything
i don't hate you
our friendship outside of this was extremely pleasant, but that was only fleeting moments.
i miss you, but yeah.
please don't keep trying to message me unless it's through sylvester or something..
No comments:
Post a Comment